Good Riddance

2007 will go down in history. I'm not sad to see it go.

Season Post #2

I posted a picture of trees on my street in the fall. This is the view off my balcony in winter. I didn't know until the leaves started falling off that there is a (little) lake behind the trees. If I leave my blinds up it's the first thing I see in the morning. At night it's prettier because of reflecting light. I like the spring but now I don't want the leaves to grow back. I like the lake.

I owe this to THE FANS!

Last week I bought something wonderful.
And to celebrate, I am going to show you a classic moment. If you are too cool to spend six minutes on this video, watch the last thirty seconds.

If you don't love her after that, I don't know. Maybe you're not capable of love?

The Nerds

Every Tuesday and Thursday between my 2:00 and 5:00 classes I spend time in my office, usually checking e-mail or planning for the next class. The friendly thing to do is to leave the door open, but I always close it eventually because of The Nerds. The Nerds are these three guys who literally stand in their professor’s doorway (2-3 doors down) with their coats and backpacks on, just shootin’ the breeze. Loudly. Here are some things I’ve heard them say:
1. “Oh my god, you have to see Bob Saget’s standup video. It’s hilarious. He makes fun of Full House, and he’s swearing the whole time. It’s hilarious.”
2. “You’re going to think I’m gay, but, The Bell Jar.” (no joke. I don’t know the context of that one).
3. “You haven’t heard the John McClain song? Oh my god, YouTube, right now.”
4. “I think the reason I like to talk about guns and knives and killing people so much is that I’m not that kind of person. Like, I would never do that. You know? So it’s entertaining to me to talk about it because it’s not real and I would never do that.” Right. That one’s not funny when you type it out.

Today is the last Thursday of the semester, and I’m moving offices next week. Bye, Nerds!

Helio is no Apolo

I ended up not writing much about Dancing With the Stars because is was not as exciting as I thought it would be. However. There are things that need to be said.

I am so disappointed in you, America! Mel is better than Helio. Maybe his freestyle was better, but not by much! Definitely not enough to make up for all the weak dances he had throughout the season. And his jive last night was not good!

Now for the judges. Mel’s last dance was fantastic—every step looked perfect. Helio? I saw him run into Julianne at least once. He has little/no control over his movements! There was no reason to give him a perfect score, other than to punch up the excitement. Oops? That backfired!

They won on Julianne’s momentum from the last season. You could see that even she was shocked when they said who won. America’s unwillingness to vote for women is another issue entirely. I guess the audience is female and they like to vote for boys they have crushes on when it comes to the end. Well. My suggestions for next season’s male contestants are Louie Anderson, Rush Limbaugh, Meatloaf, and the ghost of Chris Farley. Then maybe a woman will win. But probably not. Chris Farley’s ghost will take all in a blaze of ballroom glory. Because he was funny in life.

I am definitely buying Spice Girls tickets now. That may seem like a non-sequitur, but I promise it’s not.

Now I need to find a new show to watch while I’m on the treadmill.

Beggars Can’t Be Choosers (I Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say, but I’m Going To Say it Anyway)

I used to have an awesome yoga teacher. I loooooved his classes. I was never tempted to skip. In my new town I can’t go to yoga because of schedule conflicts. So I don’t know if the classes here are inferior, but I’m willing to bet that they are.
The next best alternative is Power Flow. What’s that, you ask? It’s “a blend of pilates and yoga moves,” or as I like to call it, “fifteen minutes of yoga and forty-five minutes of masochism.” j/k. It’s okay once you get used to it. But I do really miss yoga class. The Power Flow instructors talk like this: “Reaching to the floor, sweeping your arms up. Breathing in and out through your nose. Stepping out and to the left for Warrior Two. Lunging deeper.” Nothing but descriptive clauses. Don’t describe us! Instruct us! Gah.
And they don’t make it any easier with the music they play. A few weeks ago this came on and I thought I was being Punk’d:

Then tonight this came on:

What? There was also a Jack Johnson song about making banana pancakes and some rockin’ tunes by Incubus. I love that at the beginning of class we’re told “not to think of anything for the next hour.” And then they play the song from this clip (during “relaxation time,” no less):

Sorry, but I will never be able to hear that song again without having a laugh. Mr. Stokes!
And here’s a little anecdote for ya: The subject lines of my e-mails are shortened by Outlook. So today I got an e-mail from the department secretary. It said “Holiday Pa.” Holiday Party! Holiday Party! Something work-related, yet fun! I opened the e-mail. It was about Holiday Payroll.

I Like Literary Fiction and Planning

Sometimes you have a shit day in the middle of a shit week. But then someone comes around and gives you a little something to put the shit in perspective. Today that person was my boss, who e-mailed me to ask if I'd like to teach a fiction writing class next semester. Would I? Yes!

What will we read? How many stories will they write?

Planning is my favorite part of teaching. Yup, the part before I meet the actual students and start interacting with them.

Childhood Hero Alert

I went to see Tori Amos last week. It was awesome and I figured that once I got myself together that could be my next blog post. But I was wrong! Because last night I saw Lisa Ling and it was one of the best days I could have living in a new town with no friends. I was excited when I heard she was coming, but I did not expect myself to cry when she walked onto the stage.

Are you familiar with Lisa Ling? She started out as a reporter for Channel 1, a news network that we watched every day during high school (Anderson Cooper was also on Channel 1 at the time). I loved her. She was brave and adventurous and traveled the world (often to war zones) and she was not even twenty years old. If I had not been so lame I would have sent them an audition tape. I wanted to be like her.

Eventually she left Channel 1 and got a job on The View. I liked her on that show but I thought it was a huge waste of talent. During her speech last night she explained why she took that job: She was used to covering huge stories, and if she went to a network news program, she would have been fighting to cover insignificant stories she didn't care about. She said she still misses the open forum of The View, but she was very happy when she left to be the host of National Geographic Explorer. Now she also works for Oprah. She's done stories on Columbia's civil war, systematic rape in the Congo, Indian prisons where mothers are incarcerated with their children, and adoption in China. She showed a longer clip from the adoption piece and I cried again.

She's a fascinating person, mainly because she's found ways to have a significant, meaningful career in journalism without ever working for a major news network. The stories she does are so important (more important than OJ or the paternity of Anna Nicole's baby), but they would never get covered, especially at length, in the mainstream news. She encouraged the crowd to write to the networks and ask for more serious journalism, and to take time out from pop culture media. She mentioned that if Americans had a chance to know and care about what's going on elsewhere in the world, they would. I think she just needs to have her own network. There are not enough people watching Oprah or National Georgraphic.


I also freaked out because I just got my first camera phone so I was able to take crappy pictures for posterity.

And here are some news stories about her lecture:
http://media.www.bsudailynews.com/media/storage/paper849/news/2007/11/09/News/Lisa-Ling.Discusses.Global.Issues-3090729.shtml
http://www.thestarpress.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2007711090343

HAHAHAHA

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2007/10/23/bwe-presents-exclusive-look-at-this-weeks-shocking-new-issue-of-people/

Leaves Change Colors

One of the things I miss most about Tuscaloosa is driving up to the cabin under a canopy of lush arboreal beauty. But I have to say that my new place of residence is holding its own today:

(Ignore the dumpster).

Post-Show Analysis

OOOOKAY.

I formally withdraw my support of Jonathan and Marie. After Floyd and Mark, you are the next to go.

On a more positive note, I don't think I have ever smiled in a good way when Bruno was talking until last night. He capped his comments for Mel B. by folding his hands, smiling, and stating calmly and sweetly that she was "a true princess." That was so nice. She did a great job, and Maks is doing a great job too. The problem is that she is, as Maks says every week, totally devoid of an attention span, which I think makes it hard for her to connect with the audience. Which makes it harder to get votes. I worry about this. Maybe showing her with Spice Girls next week will get all the old fans excited. And maybe the week after that they can show her cute kids. Because she must defeat Sabrina Bryan. Seriously, I hope that girl breaks her femur.

The Egyptian Room is Not Your Mom's Basement, Or, My Regina Spektor Experience.

I went to a Regina Spektor concert on Tuesday. It was awesome, right? Right! But why, oh why, dear people, must you sing along in my ear with your bad voices when we have all paid cash money to hear that lady on the stage who has an excellent, interesting voice? I had the same experience at the Mariah Carey concert. I want to sing along, too! But I realize that it would be stupid and arrogant to sing along in a non-karaoke bar, non-shower environment, such as a concert where the famous talented person is RIGHT THERE SINGING FOR US SO PLEASE SHUT UP!

And seriously, girl behind me, no one was impressed that you knew the Russian parts. We just wanted you to SHUT UP.

I was a little bummed that she didn't sing any of my top three favorite sad songs. Here's an example:


Maybe I will put up a picture later.

I called it.

Josie Maran—Bye.

Poor Alec Mazo! They need to give him an athlete next season. He deserves a decent partner after two seasons of lame models.

It Has Begun

Jennie Garth—You can stay.

Josie Maran—Bye.

Sabrina Bryan—It’s just sort of tedious, because, who are you? If you’re going to be the best, I want you to not be someone from the Disney Channel.

Marie Osmond—Good for you. Jonathan—What’s up? I thought you were sort of boring last year. When you said "I'm known as the gentleman of ballroom dance," I was thinking, "More like the sterile Ken doll of ballroom dance!" But maybe that was because you were too busy stressing about your partner’s plastic leg coming out form under her? You and Marie look so good together!

Scary Spice—You were not the best, but that’s the best position to be in. Your job is to do better so that Maks will be around all twelve weeks.

Jane Seymour—That was so cute when they showed your kids cheering for you!

Cameron Mathison—I love a good soap star, but I don’t know who you are.

Floyd Mayweather—The judges were right. Reign it in!

Helio—Good for you.

Albert Reed—My rule for this show is models and beauty queens leave first. But I am making an exception for you, your hip action, and your pecs. Soldier on.

Mark Cuban—I didn’t hate you as much as I thought I would.

Wayne Newton—I am not part of the generation that loves you. Cheryl, your fringe was too long. But you looked so happy! And you made a funny with Drew! I think Ian was crushing your spirit with the weight of his ego last season.

Bruno—Don’t talk. Please. I had to cover my eyes when you were talking to Albert. I know it is your job, but just don’t. Hold up the numbers and let them speak for themselves.

Camera people—Damn! Why did you put the camera right on Josie when Tom said someone is going home tonight? That was harsh and unnecessary. We saw how bad she was. All you did was create sympathy for her. America can be dumb sometimes. She might be around next week.

P.S. I am unlikely to blog about anything other than this show for the next eleven weeks.

A New Low

I am bored and Gawker is down, so I am making the transition from reading stupid stuff on the the internet to kill time to writing stupid stuff on the internet to kill time. Here are some things that are on my mind:

1. Dancing With the Stars starts Monday. Yes. I thought I could keep my interest in the show to one season, but I was wrong. I am more concerned about the professional dancers than the stars, though. Mel B. better be ready, because Maks needs to be around for awhile.

2. Once this summer and once this week I have walked into the Men's room instead of the Ladies. How many times do you do something before it is considered a habit?

3. I don't need to kill time anymore so I'm stopping now. Bye!

Dean Cain Used to Be Hot

Most of the cultural intake of my childhood, when revisited, is totally different than what I remember. Or, at least, things jump out at me that I hadn't seen before. Strangely, this is not really the case with my very favorite things, such as the books of Laura Ingalls Wilder or my favorite TV show in high school, Lois and Clark. When I heard that the first season was to be released on DVD, I was pumped.

The show was on for four seasons. The first I watched occasionally, thinking "Hmm. Good show. Maybe I'll watch more of it." The second season I made good on that promise and watched obsessively, taping every episode and watching it again after school on Monday. That tradition continued into the third season. The fourth season--Blech. Lois and Clark not only got together, they got married. In some dumb space wedding in the sky? And then someone brought them a baby from the sky? I watched intermittently out of some sense of obligation or loyalty. I just remember thinking the fourth season was lame.

And I was correct! Watching the first season on DVD, I loved the show and wanted to watch more of it. When I got season two as a birthday gift, I was thrilled, and surprised to find that I still remembered dialogue from several of the episodes. I liked season three as well. I started getting season four from Netflix a couple weeks ago, and wow. It is lame. In some ways I respect what they did--the main characters are married, and they have different problems and obstacles to overcome. But it is soooo boring. I sent back disc three last Tuesday, and I doubt that I will watch the remaining three.

Here is a totally awesome youtube fanvid that has footage from the best episodes (all season 1-2, btw):


Here is another totes aws youtube fanvid that I will not editorialize on:


I wish I could just put up a clip. You got to hear one good song, though!

Kate, Kate, I can’t wait!

Tomorrow Kate B. is reading at Purdue. I am fairly sure it will be the best day September has to offer. There is only one way it could be improved.

To all my dearest friends and old yoga teacher: Please gather at Kate’s house tomorrow morning. Do not be alarmed when you see that she is dressed in the uniform of Gryffindor House. Continue to be unfazed when she points her wand at you and yells, “Reducto!” She will sneak you on the plane in her oversized purse. Once you are off the plane, she will restore you to size, and we will have a lovely evening of Indian food, literature, and sun salutations. Wednesday she will shrink you again for the trip home.

That’s the only way September 18 could be more fun than it is going to be. It is going to be pretty damn fun.

Sad, Sad

The series finale of Gilmore Girls is re-running tonight. I will watch while walking on the treadmill at my apartment complex. I'm happy with that. But tonight will be bittersweet because of memories. Tuscaloosa Memories. A year ago, I was watching the show every week in the company of Ashley, Alissa, Sarah and Molly. We had snacks and conversation. Dear friends, how I miss you. it doesn't seem like a year has passed.

Ask Rachel: The Rachel Asks Edition

Okay, so at my new job the computer equipment is not insured, so we have to swipe our IDs to open the classrooms. We are not supposed to let students from the next class come in unless their instructor is already there. Otherwise, you close the door behind you so it locks.

The guy who teaches before me doesn't do this! And we have gotten literally 450398547 e-mails about it. My students are good and cute, so when I told them not to enter the room if I wasn't around, they actually listened, and now sit in the hallway waiting for me even though the door is wide open. They are not the issue, though. The classroom is in a dorm, and every day random kids are wandering in to use the printer as they dart off to class.

I guess the rational thing is to get here early and mention it to the guy. But I don't want to do that, because it makes me look like a condescending jerk. I am sort of a tattletale, but I know from watching Scent of a Woman that snitches aren't considered cool (seriously, if I see wrong being done I don't see why you wouldn't tell, but whatever). The last option is to do nothing and possibly be held responsible if there is a computer heist.

So, Tim and the two other people who might read this, what should I do?

An Ode to the Strodes

A couple weeks ago I bought a neat end table that you can put pictures in. I decided to fill it with some of the work I did in photography class over the last couple years. I ended up using pictures of the Strode House and pictures of myself in the Strode House. I love it. The pictures together are like a story, and it's a nice memorial to a lovely place/era of my life. Good for me.

A Scented Trip Down Memory Lane

This weekend I took Regina to the mall. We spent a few moments at the fragrance counter, where I was very excited to get my first whiff of M by Mariah Carey. It smelled vaguely like some other perfume that I can't place. Mariah, I'm afraid the perfumers put one over on you. "M" is a recycled scent.

The other perfume I was excited about was "Sheer Veil" by Vera Wang. Get it? Because she designs wedding gowns? This also smelled familiar, and it took a moment, but I figured it out: CHARMKINS!

http://www.chanth.com/charmkins/

I was crazy for these as a kid and completely forgot about them until I smelled an $80 bottle of perfume. Hmm.

So, in sum: Mariah's perfume smells like someone else's, and Vera Wang's smells like a plastic toy from the 80's.

Newfound Prestige

So much to say.

The first is, hell or high water, I'm buying a bed tomorrow, and taking a very long nap on it.

The rest of the things are work-related.
1. I like my new job. I like having an office and only one office mate who isn't around much. I like working with the door closed and walking through the building with relative anonymity (though I'm not as anonymous as I think I am, probably). It leads to a fairly quiet workday, which I like. Of course, this can't last forever, but it's definitely a change, and one that causes me to believe even more strongly that I'm living in an alternate universe.
2. Quite literally and alternate universe: We may have complained about the Southern kids for one reason or another, but at least they have manners! I never had a student second-guess me the way some of these kids do. "Do we have to do this? Move our laptops? Even though they're plugged in? Why are we doing this?" At least the Southern kids kept their mouths shut when they were feeling lazy and unmotivated.
3. Humor: It says on the department website that I am an assistant professor. So today I e-mailed the assistant chair to point out the mistake. And...it's not a mistake. Instructors with terminal degrees are called assistant professors. So I have been a professor for two weeks and didn't even know it. Three weeks ago I was sadly gearing up to go back to the horrible job I did before grad school. And now here I am. It's a lesson for all the kids out there--don't give up, because you never know what you might trip and luck yourself into. When I read that e-mail I was laughing like Bellatrix LeStrange, newly free on the steps of Azkaban.

I am glad I got this job. My Mom doesn't need me as much as I thought she would, and I was still able to take her to chemo on Monday. So I am not bored at home, feeling like a loser and going to a crap part-time job. Also, the break between semesters coincides with radiation, which is the worst part, so I can be around for that.

Party on.

UPDATE: I just gave a simple instruction and was asked, "Are you serious?" Yes, I am.

Look What You Did To Me

I always considered myself a good driver. Totally accident free, no tickets. This opinion was always reinforced by my time on the road in Alabama. But guess what! The Alabama drivers rubbed off on me, and now I am bad at driving! I have come near to killing myself about three times this week. Maybe I can attribute it to being in an unfamiliar place. I miss you Tuscaloosa, but this is all your fault.

Biblical Floods

Okay, so I appear to be over the whole "blog" thing. But something worth mentioning happened yesterday, from 2:00 to long after I went to sleep: torrential rains! Awesome when you're moving into a new apartment. It is good because there has been no rain all summer, but yikes. And my sister stole my umbrella.

Happy Harry Potter Day

No spoilers here, just an awesome fanvid from YouTube.

Sometimes the things you love come together in the most unexpected ways:

I will return later with more on this subject.

Accidental Literary Pilgrimage

I thought that my night in Carlisle, PA would be spent solely in the Ramada, but I decided to wander out for a couple different reasons. The job I just finished has a site there, and they have Fiction Writing class. In the last week of teaching I decided that I must teach that class next year. One of the other classes was working on short stories, and though I was not unhappy with the work my class was doing, I was filled with seething jealousy.

But that is not the point. The point is that I was driving down the street and caught a glimpse of an historical marker. I thought I saw the words "Marianne Moore." I stopped the car and walked back. I was correct! It was Marianne Moore's house. She lived there for about twenty years before she was superfamous. Unfortunately, my camera batteries were dead, so I have no pictures. It was a blue and red row house. The family who lives there now had a little index card in the window (mere feet from the historical marker) to indicate that she had lived there.

A better blogger would do a little write-up of Marianne Moore. But I am lazy, so here is a link:

http://www.poets.org/poet.php/prmPID/96


Real toads in imaginary gardens!

Another Six-State Day

I began in Rhode Island, with stops in New London, CT; Bronx, NY; and Phillipsburg, NJ. I am now stationed at the Ramada Inn in Carlisle, PA.

I would like to congratulate New York and New Jersey on their excellent radio stations, which were essential to my survival. I thank Dunkin Donuts, Stop & Shop, and Panera Bread for providing nourishment.


I wish I had been able to spend a couple days in New York, but I will have to settle for listening to Hot 97 while crossing the George Washington Bridge. I think that driving through was the right choice. Here is why: I know one person from New Jersey. The whole time I was there, I truly believed I would see him at any moment. That sort of shows how dumb my brain is right now.


The last night in Bristol was full of hijinks and fun, which is the reason why my brain is dumb. I can't wait to get home and start looking for a job. Until then, I will be here in my hotel room, reading and watching episodes of 30 Rock online. Tomorrow is Carlisle to Indianapolis, with a possible stop in Columbus, Ohio.

Yay, Yay, Yay, Yay

I just typed in the last test scores required for my job. Just two more hours tomorrow, and I'm free. I will then pack and eat my first-ever lobster. AMEN!

Countdowns, Part II

See the previous post and subtract one from each number.

Multiply the sense of urgency times 10.

Countdowns

Days until the Harry Potter movie: -2 (gotta get on that!)
Days until this job is over: 2
Days until I'm in NYC: 3
Days until I'm home: +/- 7
Days until the Harry Potter finale: 10
Days until the Harry and the Potters show: 18 (Regina, get pumped!)
Days until I return to Tuscaloosa in a blaze of glory: +/- 20

Newport Beach

This is a picture of Newport Beach, RI. The water is red because of algae that grows out of control in the summer. It is called the red tide. The whole time we were there, I kept calling it the red death. What does that say about me? I suppose I am obligated to make a lame Crimson Tide joke. Wrong state, algae! You should be growing in Sweet Home Alabama!

I also went to the local brewery and got a half-gallon jug of beer called the growler.

Today was a landmark day for two reasons. I finally got to swim after class, and I played four square for the first time. I was okay at four square. I don't have the same amount of athleticism and bravery that the kids do.

Ships are Tall

Last weekend I wanted to go to the beach, but some other people wanted to go to the Tall Ships Festival. I thought that sounded lame, but I was wrong. I went on a ship from India, The Tarangini, and the most awesomeist ship in the world, The Gloria, which is from Colombia. There was one called the Alabama, which was closed by the time we got to it. There were also lots of sailors from many nations, all saluting each other, a testament to global harmony and seafaring solidarity. Oh, and Johnny Depp was there. NOT!

Happy Fourth!

I will be celebrating tomorrow at the nation's oldest Independence Day celebration. Maybe there will be photos, though nothing can top this:

Self Portrait with Lamby, by X.H.

Ask Rachel: Jetlag

Tim C said...
Dear Rachel:

Recently I traveled abroad, to another hemisphere in fact. It was winter there and summer here, in America. When I returned to America, I found that I was unable to adjust to the summer heat and also the time zone changes. I cannot sleep and am awake and ungodly hours. My question, then, is how to overcome jetlag?


Dear Tim:
If history is any indication, I will probably not be able to help you on this one (see my previous post titled "Summer, and Rachel is Crazy"). One thing you could do is get a job teaching 12-15 year-olds for seven hours a day. That has been working for me.

My last transatlantic flight was nine years ago, and I was a foolish teenager, who didn't let things like jetlag ruin my fun. Try to recapture the spirit of youth. Tell jetlag, calmly but firmly, that you won't let it stand in your way of a good time. It can't help but listen, and once it listens, it will have to obey.

Do you want to Ask Rachel? Leave your questions in the comments.

The Trough

I really have nothing of interest to write at the moment, given that my brain is mush (only two more hours of teaching left!). I am killing time because dinner, though scheduled for 5:30-6:30, is virtually impossible until at least 5:45, probably 6:00. Why? Because children are mangy screaming animals! If the line is not moving at the pace they desire, they attempt to speed things up by walking in to you seven times. If they are at the hot dog station and see something they want at the sweet station, they run like madmen to poke their hands onto all of the desserts, not stopping for anyone who gets in their way.

It is not much better in the classroom, thanks to our rotating chairs. The funny thing is that they only time they stay still and are quiet is when you want them to move quickly from one place to another.

Fun With New People

Isn't it weird when you go to a new place where you have zero acquaintances and you think you see people you know everywhere, and the people you interact with remind you so much of friends and people from TV? Sometimes it takes a while to pin down who the person reminds you of, but once you figure it out, it's creepy and fun.

I am currently working with the doppelgangers of:
Maria from high school
Dave from college
Claire Fisher, aka Lauren Ambrose
middle-aged, Mexican Amir
mini-Kip
Chris Elliot


Some of those are actors, some of them are slightly modified versions of people I've known through the years.

An addition: Professor Robin, whose doppelganger continuously throws me for a loop.

Yesterday I was in Six States.

I am so sleepy, but Rhode Island is good. I already like my roommate and TA, and they are BFFs from last year. I would write more but I have no clarity. Pictures on the way!

Good News!

My mama is home, sleeping in her own bed!

Let's All Pray Together...

that my Mom is coming home tomorrow. She ate her first solid food today, took several walks, and is going off all meds except the antibiotic. She had a CAT scan that came back perfect and she's back to bossing everyone around.

Dear Tuscaloosa,

I miss you already.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SvA90J-YqM

Ask Rachel: Call for Submissions

You may remember previous "Ask Rachel" posts where I answered questions about baking and hair care. Keep the questions coming, and don't be afraid to veer away from the domestic. I will advise you on any subject.

Bartleby the Taper

I finished my job of cutting paper with an exacto knife and then taping it back together a whole day ahead of schedule. They asked me to come back tomorrow and answer phones.

But I will not be able to stop taping pieces of paper together, and they'll be like, "What are you doing? Your job is to answer the phone."

And I'll be like, "I prefer not to." Because taping pieces of paper together is so fun!

Author Photo Fun.

Yesterday I finally delivered on my contribution to the BWR auction. The winner was Michael M., and the prize was an author photo shoot.

It was fun.

Don't forget, writer friends. I'm cheap and available.

Gotta J.O.B.

Today the temp agency called and offered me a job for the rest of the week. My new job is literally cutting and pasting. They need someone to find certain marks on rolls of paper, cut them, and tape them to regular-sized pieces of paper. So that will be fun. Moments before they called I was checking my bank and credit card balances and wondering how I'm going to make it for the next two months. So the timing was good--I can put off stone cold brokeness for a couple more weeks, at least.

Working will slow the progress of the Harry Potter review session I began yesterday. Two years ago I read all six books for the first time, and always said that I would have another HP reading marathon before book seven comes out. But when I think of all six of those books...I don't think I can do it with everything I have going on in the next 1.5 months. So I watched the movies of book two and three last night, and started reading book four. I can manage to read 4, 5, and 6 by July 21. If anyone would like to be in the HP Review Club with me, let me know.

Jobs. Ugh.

For the last year, I've made a habit of looking at the AWP job list every two months or so, finding jobs I might want to have, pasting them into a document called "APPLY THIS WEEK!" and then never applying for any of them.

So today I found one that I really wanted! It was a roller coaster of emotions, because I know I would be good at the job, but they were asking for 2-3 years of administrative experience, which I do not have. But I have both of their preferred qualifications, an MFA and experience running a reading series. So I decided to go for it. Really. I was pumped.

But then I noticed the "job posted date" at the bottom of the ad was a couple months old. And when I clicked through to the official hiring website, the job was gone.

THAT IS ANNOYING.

Ask Rachel: Coifs

sarah said...
Dear Ask Rachel,
What is the best way to braid your own hair so that the braid doesn't disintegrate over the course of an evening leaving you with a hazy recollection of looking a little like a startled lion and forcing your friends, who are clearly older sisters of some experience, to rebraid it for you while you mumble at the table? Are there hair care products I could use? What about drinking less?

Dear Sarah:

First things first: drinking less is not the answer to your problem! Hydration is an essential component of healthy hair and skin.

Now that we have that out of the way, let's talk about solutions. A nice mousse or gel might give your hair some traction, which will help it stay braided.

You could braid your hair tighter, but if it's the romantic loose-braid look that you're going for, there are probably going to be some flyaways over the course of the evening, unless your stylist is Ken Paves.

Yeah, that's what you should do. Hire Ken Paves. Or just let your friend use you to play beauty shop in front of everyone you know. She sounds kind of desperate for attention, so you'd probably be doing her a favor. And after all, that's what friends are for!


Do you want to ask Rachel? Leave your questions in the comments.

Summer, and Rachel is Crazy

When I got hired to teach in another state for the summer, I thought, "Great. Now I won't go completely insane this summer, as I have for the last three."

Something about Tuscaloosa in the summer makes my brain come unscrewed. In '04, I adopted a sleeping schedule of 10am-4pm daily. I thought I was going insane, but nothing worked to get me on a more average schedule. In retrospect, I think, duh. Of course I was nocturnal. It was my first summer in Tuscaloosa. I also kept my apartment spotless at all times, probably because I had nothing else to do. I haven't gotten back to that standard since, and I probably only will if I win the lottery.

Another fond memory that seems to encapsulate summer in the Tusc: One day I was wearing some very uncomfortable heels. I was exhausted. I got out of my car and decided to walk barefoot, and that it would probably be uncomfortable to walk on the hot sidewalk. So I stepped into the grass that led to my apartment, only to feel the bottoms of my feet stung all over by--????--I had no idea. Whatever they were, they were stuck, and if I walked on the sidwalk, it would just hurt more. So I ran to my apartment, collecting more stingers in my feet with each step, and bolted inside so I could get off my feet. Apparently, those little white "flowers" on top of the grass are sharp and meant to be painful for anyone/thing who steps on them. Thus my aversion to walking barefoot in the South, specifically, at Hackberry Place.

Usually the insanity does not begin until late June/early July. But this summer it is here already (exhibit A: this blog); I suspect because I have to pack all my belongings, sell my old car, plan for a lengthy road trip, say goodbye to friends, and work on finding a long-term job all in the next 2.5 weeks.

On the plus side, my thesis was cleared by the graduate school. No corrections necessary! A reputable literary journal showed interest in publishing one of my stories if I am willing to do some editing (this is the closest I have ever come to publication) and I am looking at six boxes of newly-packed books. So there is progress despite the insanity.

Ask Rachel: Muffins

Tim C said...
If you are cooking muffins, what's the best way to avoid having the base and sides of the muffins stick to the tray?

Dear Tim,

Thanks for your question!

The first step is to have a quality non-stick muffin tin. Look for "Teflon" on the label.

Beyond that, there are several options, and most are efficient enough that it could be a matter of preference.

The most obvious: Muffin cups. These are small paper cups that you can use to line the muffin tin. They are available in the baking aisle at your neighborhood grocery store. There are several colors and patterns available, so they could be used to add flair to a themed event, such as a birthday party or funeral. Muffin cups are most effective for cupcakes, which tend not to spill over the cup as they bake.

I know what you're thinking. What if my muffins spill over and stick to the top of the pan?

Use a non-stick cooking spray, such as PAM, for the top of the pan. You could also skip the paper liners and just spray the whole pan, which leads to a smoother surface around the edges of the muffin.

If you don't have cooking spray, here's a fun and easy improvisation:

Step 1: Put a baggie over your hand.

Step 2: Use your fingers to dip the baggie into a stick of butter or tub of margarine. I guess if you didn't have either of those things available you could use something gross like Crisco.

Step 3: Rub the butter in and around the muffin pan.

This option leads to a nice buttery flavor in the crust of the muffin. It is especially fun for kids, though it is surely not the most time-efficient method.

Again, thanks for your question. Happy Baking!

P.S. It is noted that our demonstrator is not using a high-quality teflon pan.


If you have a question for Rachel, please leave it in the comments. Anonymity allowed.

Ask Rachel

Okay, so I did my DWTS post and it's still T-3 weeks to Rhode Island. I want to give you advice. On anything! I always have an opinion.

Leave your questions in the comments (this is the one time it won't annoy me if you comment anonymously).

Bring the problems!

The World Needs More: Laila Ali

I recently completed a lengthy creative project. When it was all filed away, what did I do? I watched TV! Specifically, Dancing With the Stars.

One of the best parts of the show was Laila Ali. I had heard of her as a boxer. I don't really get into boxing, so her awesomeness was a surprise to me. The bottom line: she is a classy, classy lady. Who will BEAT YOU DOWN. She was the only woman left for the last month of the contest. Every time she danced, she looked graceful and gorgeous. She has muscles. But you would never guess that she's a boxer who won her first bout in 31 seconds. 31 seconds! POW!

We need more women like her in the world. What I mean by that: she's providing proof, in a mainstream outlet, that enormous strength and femininity can coexist in a woman. And to top it all off, she's surrounded by men who aren't threatened by her badassness.

In this video, her partner Maks, aka Hot Stuff, is being a jerk. She shows him that's not acceptable.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TlU_4ghWKQ

In all fairness, Hot Stuff was man enough to apologize the next time he saw her. Also, he was on the record as saying that if Laila didn't win, it was his fault (he must be feeling lame, because they ended up in third). Pay attention, world! Hot Stuff is arrogant, but he knows that Laila deserves respect.

Here they have some fun with Laila's fiancee while rehearsing for the rumba:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kepw1NoP0bI


I wish Laila and Maks had won. Their dancing in the finale was great, and I love what they're doing with gender roles. But their freestyle was just not on the same level as Joey's, and the chemistry between them was far more subtle than Apolo and Julianne's.

The winners:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Swpt6lPco7c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJB1_AquG8w


A commercial where Laila boxes her Dad:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOe2jZ1T1qg

I have a blog.

This is something I vowed never to do. It wasn't hard to keep the vow because I always thought, "Why would anyone want to have a blog anyway?" But for the last two weeks it has seemed like a not entirely awful idea. Soon I will be in a new place, away from everyone I know. I know that blogs are mostly one-sided ways of keeping in touch (I've read several without ever commenting, online or in person, to the author). Conversely, my friend B. had people saying crazy stuff to him at parties on a regular basis when he kept his web diary. And now I am giving in, regardless.

Friends and family, please enjoy. I will probably not even tell anyone about this until I have written a few posts.

What will said posts be about? It's hard to say. Maybe Rhode Island. Maybe Dancing with the Stars. Probably just those two things.